Learning to cope....

Well, first a little update on where we are at the moment.... Heather will be starting her 15th treatment tomorrow. 15 out of 35 treatments. We are almost halfway through her treatments. Up until this past Wednesday she hadn't really experienced any hair loss....Wednesday we started noticing it falling out and by Friday she had a huge bald spot on the side of her head....Today she has another one in the back. This has been hard on her. We all knew that is was going to happen, but I don't think we realized how fast. Otherwise, we really can do nothing but Praise God that even though she has radiation and chemo everyday, she feels good. She's a little tired after her treatments, but not even enough really for her to consistently nap when she gets home. Her blood work shows that her immune system is still in the high range of normal. What a blessing! Today in church we sang this song....

All I have is Christ

What a song. I love this song. I broke down towards the end. I couldn't take it. The lyrics, "use this ransomed life any way you choose"....I sang this words with my heart, but then fear overcame me and the only thing I could think was "anyway but that way"..... His Will scares me. I am petrified. I find myself saying anything but that God. Anything else.....Please don't take my daughter. Please do not use me in that way. I don't want that to be part of my story. I don't want to explain that even though I only have 2 children with me that I actually have 3 and one of them is no longer with us. I cannot even begin to convey the fear that grips my heart. I hate it. I wish I could say that my faith is strong. But, it isn't. I have seen cancer bust into peoples lives and steal their loved ones away. I know that God chooses to heal some, but He also chooses to take others. I keep praying that He will heal her. But I am having a real hard time saying,"Lord, not mine, but Your will be done." I find myself trying to "take her in". Just watch her and take in every little facial expression and sound she makes, I take more pictures, I take more video, purposefully getting more intimate details of her for fear of one day that might be all that I have left of her. Just memories and videos and pictures to watch and wish I could return to that moment to hug her tight once more and tell her that I love her. I cuddle more. I kiss and hug more. I tell her that I love her all the time. Probably a 100 or more times a day. I do everything more. I feel I need to, and that scares me. I wish I could have unwavering faith that I KNOW that God is going to heal her. Most days, internally I have my little fits with my arms folded and my mean face on and am saying, "NO! She cannot die. I won't let her die." I am constantly researching, adjusting her "protocol"....adding new stuff that I have read helps. I know that I am making her grow weary, but I think...."If she beats this, it will all be worth it!" I HAVE to do everything that I know how to do to try to save my baby girl. I cannot sit idly by and watch her live or die. Most days I am in my "Go" mode. I am on a mission. A mission to find a cure for her, to find something that will keep the cancer from returning after treatment. While in this mode, I cannot allow myself to feel. The pain is too great. If I allowed myself to openly grieve, that is all I would do. I wouldn't be able to function. The only way I am "coping" is to take one day at a time. Focus on the day at hand and be thankful that it is a good one, while praying tomorrow will be the same. I need to blog more. It really allows me to vent my emotions. Something that I haven't done in a while and honestly I was starting to get scared about. After she was first diagnosed, I would have regular breakdowns....usually every 2-3 days. But, I have noticed that they are starting to come less and less often. That scares me. I am afraid of my heart being hardened and growing numb. I know that my greatest medicine and the only way I will make it through whatever lies in our future is the ability to grieve my way through it. I pray that the Lord keeps an eye on my heart. Allow me the ability to set my emotions aside to get done what needs to be done, but be able to cry out all the built up emotions later. Please continue to remember our family in your prayers. I am thankful for you bringing us before the Lord when at times I am even to emotionally weak to pray myself.